Weekend Box Office: February 17, 2017

The Great Wall is a an action film starring white people in a story about China. Chinese soldiers battle monsters, who attack the wall built to protect China. Matt Damon is a mercenary who helps.

Fanny’s Journey tells the story of a young girl who leads a group of French, Jewish children to safety in Switzerland.

Ghost of New Orleans stars Lake Bell, Josh Lucas, and Terrence Howard. There’s a serial killer, and it seems like the NOLA natives don’t understand their own culture?

XX is an anthology horror film. The four chapters are from directors Roxanne Benjamin, Sofia Carrillo, Karyn Kusama, Annie Clark, and Jovanka Vuckovic.

Running Shaadi is an Indiana romantic comedy about young people running a website with the goal of helping people elope.

From Nowhere is a drama about three undocumented teenagers in the Bronx on the brink of graduation and in pursuit of their papers. Julianne Nicholson is the nice white lady who wants to help.

Irada is an Indian eco-thriller. The bombing of a factory results in the pursuit of revenge and justice.

A Cure for Wellness is a thriller starring Dane DeHaan, so you know things are going to end badly. DeHaan is a young pharma rep who finds himself at a wellness spa in the Alps and before long is forced to stay.

Lovesong stars Riley Keough and Jena Malone as two BFFs who take an “impromptu road trip” and discover more about themselves and each other. One is a young, married mother and the other is, well, not.

Everybody Loves Somebody is a romantic comedy about a successful woman, an OB-GYN!, who reconsiders her life after she runs into her ex. But of course her family is obsessed with the fact that she’s not married!

American Fable is a thriller. Set in the 1980s, a young girl finds that the developer buying out failing farms is being kept hostage in a grain silo. The film is written and directed by Anne Hamilton and contains elements of magical realism.

Fist Fight is a comedy starring Ice Cube and Charlie Day. Day is a mild-mannered teacher who is challenged to a schoolyard fight by a recently fired teacher, played by Ice Cube.

Weekend Box Office: February 10, 2017

Split was last weekend’s big movie, with $1.1 million. BUT WHY? (Because it has a big release, and everyone has already seen Hidden Figures, last weekend’s second place movie.)

This weekend’s big releases are John Wick 2 and Fifty Shades Darker. Don’t let me down, America. These films have no business being made, no matter how much money they are sure to make here and overseas.

Running Wild is about a widow who saves her ranch by hiring ex-cons. Sharon Stone stars. There’s gotta be some kind of Jesus bullshit hiding in there somewhere.

Keep Quiet is a documentary about the founder of an anti-Semitic group who finds out he has Jewish relatives. He spends three years researching his heritage and hopefully ceases his bigoted activity.

Don’t Hang Up is a British horror movie about three smug teenage boys who love to prank call people and post their exploits online. (Because the youth, you know, are starved for fame and attention.) Soon though, an old, Palpatine-like man turns the tables and pranks them (and kills everyone they love).

The LEGO Batman Movie is…the LEGO Batman movie.

Jolly LLB 2: “Set in Lucknow, Jolly LLB 2 is the story of the blunt, abrasive and yet oddly compassionate Jagdishwar Mishra, aka Jolly, a small-time, struggling lawyer who has moved from Kanpur to the city of Nawabs to pursue his dream of becoming a big-time lawyer. A hustler by nature, Jolly survives by fighting petty cases and using every tactic under the sun to make a quick buck and earn a decent living.” Like The Lincoln Lawyer?

Sex Doll is an erotic thriller.

Havenhurst is a horror movie about a disturbed woman who “takes” (she doesn’t, like, pay rent?) in a Gothic apartment in the city and has to confront evil. (I’m looking for a new apartment. I’ll take a beautiful, free apartment regardless of its ghostly residents.)

John Wick: Chapter 2 finds “legendary hitman” John Wick (Keanu Reeves) forced out of retirement and into the slush-filled cesspool of winter releases.

A United Kingdom is a bio drama about Seretse Khama (David Oyelowo), the first president of Botswana, and his marriage to Ruth Williams (Rosamund Pike), a white office worker in London. They meet, fall in love, and marry in 1948, so of course their families and respective governments oppose the marriage. The film is directed by Amma Asante (Belle).

KEDi is a documentary about the wild cats of Istanbul! If you see one film this weekend, this is a choice I could endorse.

Fifty Shades Darker gets its release, even though its stars are deeply embarrassed and the whole thing stinks of violent misogyny. Nothing says love like an abusive relationship. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Duckweed is a Chinese drama from director Han Han. A son is able to experience his father’s youth, bringing the two closer together, and allowing the son to realize his father is not as distant as he may seem.

Weekend Box Office: February 3, 2017

The Lure is a Polish horror musical about two mermaid sisters abducted in Warsaw. One hungers for the taste of human flesh while another falls in love.

Oklahoma City is a documentary about the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing, Timothy McVeigh, and the alt-right nutters. Vanity Fair calls it “riveting”. I want to see it even thought the “alt-right” makes me puke. (Maybe follow this with Fash Bash on Saturday?)

This Is Everything is a documentary about Internet star Gigi Gorgeous, who debuted as Greg, and came out and transitioned to Gigi.

I am Not Your Negro is a documentary exploring the history of racism in America. It is based on James Baldwin’s unfinished manuscript Remember This House and narrated by actor Samuel L. Jackson, and features Baldwin’s memories of Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Malcolm X. This film is nominated for an Academy Award.

Wheeler is about a man from Texas who tries to break into country music in Nashville. …Except it’s Stephen Dorff in makeup.

The Grace of Jake is a “shallow” film about an ex-con finding faith and redemption. You know it’s garbage. I don’t know, maybe the born-agains can see I Am Not Your NegroMoonlightHidden Figures, or Oklahoma City this weekend instead. I bet This Is Everything is filled with compassion!

Don’t Knock Twice is a horror film with an urban legend about a witch, starring an appropriately-attired teenager and Katee Sackhoff.

Eloise is a horror film about four people (Eliza Dushku, you know better!) who sneak into an abandoned asylum to get a death certificate.

The Space Between Us is about a teenager living on Mars who meets a girl online who lives in Tulsa. That’s why they told Ender it was a game.

War on Everyone is a movie about the Trump administration.

Journey to the West: The Demons Strike Back is a Journey to the West sequel. See, 2017 isn’t so bad.

Youth in Oregon is an independent comedy about a man (Billy Crudup_ who drives his ailing father (Frank Langella) to Oregon to be euthanized.

Same Kind of Different as Me “is the story of an international art dealer Ron Hall who must befriend a dangerous homeless man in order to save his struggling marriage to his wife, a woman whose dreams will lead all three of them on the most remarkable journey of their lives.” Renée Zellweger came back to movies for this bullshit?

Rings updates The Ring with the Internet. Because that’s what we all needed.

Weekend Box Office: January 27, 2017

Split came out on top last weekend with $40 million. At least Hidden Figures has an Oscar nom?

Yu-Gi-Oh! The Dark Side Of Dimensions brings Millenials’ favorite anime to the big screen…for the third time.

Gold stars Matthew McConaughey as a broke businessman who buys a gold mine in the 1980s, gets rich as hell, and probably loses “everything.” Based on the life of Canadian businessman, David Walsh.

The Daughter is about a young woman whose life crumbles when her father’s friend informs him that her biological father is someone else entirely. Good to see that Paul Schneider is playing jerks again?

I Am Michael stars James Franco as Michael Glatze, a gay activist who decides to be straight and become a pastor. Emma Roberts is his deeply Christian wife and Zachary Quinto is his ex-boyfriend.

Buddies in India is a Chinese/Indiana action comedy.

Lost in Florence is about a man who takes up an aggressive, Italian sport in the midst of a spate of grief spurned by a dejected proposal.

Kung-Fu Yoga stars Jackie Chan as a “renowned archaeology professor” in pursuit of ancient Indian treasure.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is the supposed final film in a series that shouldn’t have been made?

Un Padre No Tan Padre is about a man taken in by his son after he is kicked out of his nursing home.

Bastards stars Owen Wilson and Ed Helms are two men who find out as adults that their father is alive, not dead as they had been informed.

A Dog’s Purpose is an emotionally manipulative drama (being boycotted by PETA!) about a dog reincarnated over the decades so that he may bring hope back to his first owner. Or something. Somehow Dennis Quaid agreed to this.

Confidential Assignment is a Korean action film.

Staying Vertical is a very French film about a filmmaker who must raise his child alone while working on his film.

The Salesman is the latest drama from Asghar Farhadi (About Elly, A Separation), who tells the store of a man who seeks revenge against a man who assaulted his wife.

Paris 05:59: Théo & Hugo is a French film about two men who meet at a club, and the 23 hours they spend together.