It’s just a normal day of television on an unassuming WordPress entertainment-themed site–on the surface we seem like a normal set of TV reviewers. However, beneath the surface, there are secrets brewing, scandals even–vicious disagreements about uses of the “em” dash. But you’ll never know… unless some mysterious omniscient narrator returns after a long absence to spill the gossip, but giiiiirl, that’ll never happen…

FIONA’S PICK:
Gossip Girl [HBO Max]
The ’00s series Gossip Girl is back for the Gen Z era. Considering the way the original’s titular character was able to know everything about everyone before the advent of Instagram or Snapchat, I can’t imagine how powerful she’ll be now. Talk about omnipotent. Our focus is still on the Upper East Side elite, but creators have promised that these kids are aware of their privilege? I’m very curious to see what that will look like. Either way, looking forward to seeing teens in outrageous designer outfits.   

BRAD’S PICK:
Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness [Netflix]
This latest iteration of the beloved horror video game has military intrigue and a cool fight with zombie rats on a submarine. So yeah it had me at hello. But if you are on the fence, the animation is sleek and modern but still feels like Res Evil. The timelines and continuity have gotten muddled over the years so I’m not sure where it fits on the res works but it’s a worthy entry.

JASON’S PICK:
Looney Tunes Cartoons [HBO Max]
Disney+ can’t have a monopoly on all nostalgia, and on the heels of the Space Jam reboot flick, Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Marvin the Martian and a host of other classic characters from the Dubba B’s Looney-verse return for a second season of new adventures. It’s hard for the five-year-old in me not to feel a little excited.

BUT, WAIT, THERE’S MORE:

• In the fourth season of Freeform’s grown-ish Yara Shahidi’s Zoey Johnson juggles her senior year of college while protesting (and trying to steer clear of) police brutality and systemic racism. It’s all in a year’s work for the most serious corner of the -Ishaverse.
• It feels a bit silly to herald a return of TruTV’s Impractical Jokers for the second half of its ninth season, as it seems the lone show on the network if you keep your TV turned to it, but here we are, and there Murr, Joe, Sal, and Q (he really needs to change that name) are.
• TruTV does have at least one additional show, as the self-explanatory Backyard Bar Wars debuts tonight.

• The twist of the Brazilan docu-series Elize Matsunaga: Once Upon a Crime is that the story is told by the perpetrator of the grizzly 2012 murder and the mystery is what compelled Matsunaga to kill her husband and chop the body into 20 bags. Funsies!
• If you need to decompress after watching that with some imagined gore, Shudder is debuting Son in which a mom saves her son from abduction only to find said son descending into supernatural psychosis. Joysies!
• Ok, now we ourselves writing this need to relax, so let’s watch a fun Nat Geo show about the animal kingdom. Wait, Croc That Ate Jaws?!!! Goddammit!

• The BBC-cum-Sundance Now show Motherland (not to be confused with Homeland or Motherland: Fort Salem) is a goofy UK series about struggling 30-something women. Its third season opens with the ladies dealing with a lice outbreak at their children’s school.
• Netflix is stocking up on the cute animals series so HBO Max throws down with the latest season of The Dog House: UK as a bunch of Brits come to the animal shelter in search of their forever best pal.
• Over on Lifetime, between Mike yelling his own name, Grace looking intimidating, and Tom shaking his hips on stage, how will the Jones family ever find true love. Tonight’s movie du jour seeks to answer that question as the trio are sent back to their rural hometown to do a major magazine article on the local ruggedly handsome coffee artisan in Keeping Up with the Joneses. It’s either about that or Vivica A. Fox’s succesful businesswoman Gloria Jones who is dodging–along with her four siblings–a stalk-happy assassin.