If you’re even thinking of getting any chores or errands done tonight, throw that idea right out the window as there is just way too much to watch tonight on the telly. Wacky vampires from a cult movie come back to life, two unique shows — one compelling, one demented — return for new seasons — hell, even the ridiculous LeBron-funded, Tim Tebow-hosted let’s-turn-L.A.-into-some-sort-of-parkour show looks kinda fun, so let’s just get down to it.
What We Do In The Shadows [FX, 10p]
The 2014 cult mockumentary movie of the same name returns as a TV series. There’s already a positive buzz about these hapless vampires trying to make it in the modern world. I just hope it makes Matt Berry (IT Crowd and a million other things) a star.
Jane The Virgin [The CW, 9p]
Season five kicks off with Chapter 82! Jane “makes a shocking discovery.” Is it that Michael’s NOT DEAD? Who knows, but Rafael’s no help, apparently. (Ugh, men!)
Happy! [Syfy, 10p]
Word from showrunner Brian Taylor is that the second season of this Syfy show is “ten times crazier” than its predecessor. While those sorts of calculations are not exactly quantifiable in any way, it’s still hard to fathom how the most delightfully loony show on television featuring Chris Meloni as a hit man with nothing left to lose — save for his daughter and her imaginary blue unicorn voiced by Patton Oswalt — could get weirder, but I say, let them try!
The Magicians [Syfy, 9p]
Penny has some news about the monster. If he’s not rebuilding his body, what is he building? How can they stop him without destroying Eliot? Meanwhile, Margo is in exile, wandering the desert and accidentally very high from licking her Lizard. I really hope this means we get a ridiculous musical number!
ALSO ON TAP TONIGHT:
- If you’re a sports fan, you may know that LeBron James is about to miss the NBA Finals and Tim Tebow is starting to get fairly decent at baseball. It’s all topsy-turvy. It’s less crazy that we mention them together as CBS is introducing Million Dollar Mile, a bizarre The Running Man-minus-the-convict-murder reality competition/game show produced by LeBron and hosted by Tebow. If you’re curious about what it is, watch the hyperlinked promo above cuz we’re not even sure where to start!
- So much to talk about, we’re barely getting to an episode of a Screen Scholars favorite that star Eugene Levy has called on Twitter “a tough one.” Both our Schitt’s Creek dream couples better be intact by this night’s end, Pop TV.
- Or that IFC’s Documentary Now! airs its season 3 showcase (aka finale), this one’s target: bowling doc A League of Ordinary Gentlemen. Kevin Dunn, Michael C. Hall, Tim Robinson, and Bobby Moynihan star in the parody three out of four of them were absolutely made for.
- Indian actress Priyanka Chopra gets her Oprah on — or at least Iyanla or Dr. Phil on — with her new YouTube special If I Could Tell You One Thing, where she interviews three influential women.
- That tonight’s episode’s synopsis contains the line “Jughead’s attempt to put a stop to Riverdale’s drug trade” is as much reminder as we need that Riverdale is not exactly ripped-straight-from-Archie-comics. And that’s why we love it!
- On a similar note, we were scanning through a write-up for Black Ink Crew‘s episode and hit the line “paramedics rush to the scene to aid an unresponsive Ceaser.” Things just got real on the VH1 Harlem tattoo shop show, and all snark aside, we hope Ceasar is OK.
- Let’s close on a chance to congratulate one of our March Madness first round surprise winners, Guy’s Grocery Games — imagine Supermarket Sweep, but with chefs… and Guy Fieri. Oh, also, you can vote in its bracket here.