Month: February 2017

Weekend Box Office: February 10, 2017

Split was last weekend’s big movie, with $1.1 million. BUT WHY? (Because it has a big release, and everyone has already seen Hidden Figures, last weekend’s second place movie.)

This weekend’s big releases are John Wick 2 and Fifty Shades Darker. Don’t let me down, America. These films have no business being made, no matter how much money they are sure to make here and overseas.

Running Wild is about a widow who saves her ranch by hiring ex-cons. Sharon Stone stars. There’s gotta be some kind of Jesus bullshit hiding in there somewhere.

Keep Quiet is a documentary about the founder of an anti-Semitic group who finds out he has Jewish relatives. He spends three years researching his heritage and hopefully ceases his bigoted activity.

Don’t Hang Up is a British horror movie about three smug teenage boys who love to prank call people and post their exploits online. (Because the youth, you know, are starved for fame and attention.) Soon though, an old, Palpatine-like man turns the tables and pranks them (and kills everyone they love).

The LEGO Batman Movie is…the LEGO Batman movie.

Jolly LLB 2: “Set in Lucknow, Jolly LLB 2 is the story of the blunt, abrasive and yet oddly compassionate Jagdishwar Mishra, aka Jolly, a small-time, struggling lawyer who has moved from Kanpur to the city of Nawabs to pursue his dream of becoming a big-time lawyer. A hustler by nature, Jolly survives by fighting petty cases and using every tactic under the sun to make a quick buck and earn a decent living.” Like The Lincoln Lawyer?

Sex Doll is an erotic thriller.

Havenhurst is a horror movie about a disturbed woman who “takes” (she doesn’t, like, pay rent?) in a Gothic apartment in the city and has to confront evil. (I’m looking for a new apartment. I’ll take a beautiful, free apartment regardless of its ghostly residents.)

John Wick: Chapter 2 finds “legendary hitman” John Wick (Keanu Reeves) forced out of retirement and into the slush-filled cesspool of winter releases.

A United Kingdom is a bio drama about Seretse Khama (David Oyelowo), the first president of Botswana, and his marriage to Ruth Williams (Rosamund Pike), a white office worker in London. They meet, fall in love, and marry in 1948, so of course their families and respective governments oppose the marriage. The film is directed by Amma Asante (Belle).

KEDi is a documentary about the wild cats of Istanbul! If you see one film this weekend, this is a choice I could endorse.

Fifty Shades Darker gets its release, even though its stars are deeply embarrassed and the whole thing stinks of violent misogyny. Nothing says love like an abusive relationship. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Duckweed is a Chinese drama from director Han Han. A son is able to experience his father’s youth, bringing the two closer together, and allowing the son to realize his father is not as distant as he may seem.

Weekend Box Office: February 3, 2017

The Lure is a Polish horror musical about two mermaid sisters abducted in Warsaw. One hungers for the taste of human flesh while another falls in love.

Oklahoma City is a documentary about the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing, Timothy McVeigh, and the alt-right nutters. Vanity Fair calls it “riveting”. I want to see it even thought the “alt-right” makes me puke. (Maybe follow this with Fash Bash on Saturday?)

This Is Everything is a documentary about Internet star Gigi Gorgeous, who debuted as Greg, and came out and transitioned to Gigi.

I am Not Your Negro is a documentary exploring the history of racism in America. It is based on James Baldwin’s unfinished manuscript Remember This House and narrated by actor Samuel L. Jackson, and features Baldwin’s memories of Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Malcolm X. This film is nominated for an Academy Award.

Wheeler is about a man from Texas who tries to break into country music in Nashville. …Except it’s Stephen Dorff in makeup.

The Grace of Jake is a “shallow” film about an ex-con finding faith and redemption. You know it’s garbage. I don’t know, maybe the born-agains can see I Am Not Your NegroMoonlightHidden Figures, or Oklahoma City this weekend instead. I bet This Is Everything is filled with compassion!

Don’t Knock Twice is a horror film with an urban legend about a witch, starring an appropriately-attired teenager and Katee Sackhoff.

Eloise is a horror film about four people (Eliza Dushku, you know better!) who sneak into an abandoned asylum to get a death certificate.

The Space Between Us is about a teenager living on Mars who meets a girl online who lives in Tulsa. That’s why they told Ender it was a game.

War on Everyone is a movie about the Trump administration.

Journey to the West: The Demons Strike Back is a Journey to the West sequel. See, 2017 isn’t so bad.

Youth in Oregon is an independent comedy about a man (Billy Crudup_ who drives his ailing father (Frank Langella) to Oregon to be euthanized.

Same Kind of Different as Me “is the story of an international art dealer Ron Hall who must befriend a dangerous homeless man in order to save his struggling marriage to his wife, a woman whose dreams will lead all three of them on the most remarkable journey of their lives.” Renée Zellweger came back to movies for this bullshit?

Rings updates The Ring with the Internet. Because that’s what we all needed.