Weekend Box Office: January 13, 2017

Claire in Motion is a drama about a woman (Betsy Brandt) who learns troubling secrets about her husband after his mysterious disappearance.

The Book of Love stars Jason Sudeikis and Jessica Biehl, a woman with marbles for a mouth who accidentally drives herself into a truck, as a couple obsessed with helping a young girl with a weird way of talking, played by Maisie Williams. The Book Of Love is long and boring, and no one can lift the damn thing, so why make a movie about it?

Bad Kids of Crestview Academy is a piece of garbage starring Drake Bell, Sean Astin, and Gina Gershon.

Alone in Berlin stars Brendan Gleeson and Emma Thompson as a couple who resist the Nazis after the death of their son. Daniel Bruhl also stars, because he’s in every Nazi movie now, isn’t he?

Sophie and the Rising Sun is about a woman who falls in love with a mysterious Japanese man during WWII. Get it, girl.

Monster Trucks is a dumbass action movie starring McGuyver as a kid who gets involved with LITERAL MONSTER TRUCKS. Dumb. (And I LOVE MONSTER TRUCKS.)

Sleepless stars Jamie Foxx as a cop caught stealing cocaine with his partner, played by T.I. With his life and career on the line, he’ll have to stay up all night to save his kid!

Patriots Day stars Mark Wahlberg in the only genre he knows: bullshit patriotism in a post-9/11 world. Fuck this movie.

The Son of Joseph is a droll teen film re-telling the story of the Nativity.

Live By Night is a Ben Affleck directed movie starring Benn Affleck as a man who used to be good but is now intensely disliked and not good, even though he made the deeply overrated film, Argo. This is what we talk about when we talk about January releases, movies that look bad miles away.

The Bye Bye Man is a horror film about three friends who are posessed by a spirit through off-campus housing.

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